Friday, May 29, 2009

Test your Saugerties I.Q.

by Samuel St. Ives
OK, so maybe you feel a little smug because you think your finger is on the pulse of Saugerties and that you know everything worth knowing about our quaint upstate community? Well, maybe this little quiz will help adjust that attitude. C'mon big guy or gal, show me what you've got. Answers below.

1. The latest plan for Winston Farm is:

a.) "Winston Farm Proposed Projects Museum"

b.) A "green" industrial park disguised as shrubbery

c.) a Palestinian state

d.) an 800-acre, 18-hole miniature golf course

2. Instead of high-powered rifles for deer hunting, many residents of West Saugerties prefer to use:

a.) high explosives

b.) confidential informants

c.) piano wire

d.) George Heidcamp newspaper columns to mesmerize their prey

3. The hamlet of West Camp is known for its:

a.) westerly location from East Camp

b.) loving preservation of "Dead Man's Curve"

c.) panoramic views of Alpha Cement

d.) rich Corinthian leather

4. Overnight stays at the Saugerties Lighthouse feature:

a.) swearing in several foreign languages from the crews of passing freighters

b.) free malaria screenings

c.) making finger-shadow puppets on Tivoli

d.) high-speed Internet access so you can Google river-related subjects such as "lighthouse keeper/cabin fever"

5. Saugerties teens like to drive with their sweatshirt hoods up because:

a.) it helps them concentrate on just the road directly ahead

b.) it helps them avoid bench warrants

c.) it helps muffle those annoying emergency vehicle sirens

d.) it's a stolen car

6. Tasers are used by Village Police officers to:

a.) heat Lipton Cup-a-Soup

b.) test each other's manhood

c.) jump-start patrol cars in the winter

d.) maintain decorum at Board of Education meetings

7. The new Saugerties Public Library will feature:

a.) a "Librarians Only" lap pool

b.) a separate wing to house Harry Potter books

c.) trustee pole-dancing every Wednesday night

d.) a Dewey Decimal System Museum

8. Saugerties has never had a serial killer because:

a.) he doesn't want to negatively impact tourism

b.) of the high cost of quality duct tape

c.) of the heavily armed residents

d.) after all, we are "Friendly" Saugerties

9. Saugerties is in the Guinness Book of World Records for:

a.) having manufactured the world's largest brick

b.) having planned 23 projects not built on Winston Farm

c.) its bluestone currency

d.) being 42 percent friendlier than its closest competitor, Catskill

10. The Winston Farm Alliance Mural at the corner of Main and Market streets:

a.) will be auctioned off at Christie's on September 10 (building not included)

b.) has 32 rabbits hidden in its design

c.) was painted with brushes made from recycled roadkill

d.) was one of the clues in the book The Da Vinci Code

11. The sloop Clearwater sails up and down the Hudson River promoting:

a.) the Garlic Festival

b.) Pete Seeger box sets

c.) wind-powered sailboats

d.) kinder, gentler piracy

12. Now that the village of Saugerties has been revitalized, the mayor would like to:

a.) revitalize the village

b.) point out to some of the denser residents that the village can never have too much revitalization

c.) help build a lasting monument to greed

d.) replace the Historic Review Board with colorful hand puppets

13. During these difficult economic times, what Saugerties needs is:

a.) a restaurant that accepts antiques as payment

b.) an antique store that accepts prepared food as payment

c.) a bank that makes short-term loans to purchase food and antiques

d.) a store that sells edible antiques

14. Some Saugerties teens have their lower lips pierced with rings because:

a.) it gives them the cutest speech impediment

b.) they want you to see it but pretend you don't 'cause you don't want to mention it 'cause then they can act real cool like it's no big deal and why don't you have one and then you'll feel like maybe you really aren't as cool as they are and maybe you really should think about getting one

c.) it makes a handy key ring

d.) they were s-o-o-o-o drunk!

15. Due to the ongoing recession, this year's Farmers' Market will be called "The Saugerties Times Farmers' Market" so:

a.) they can get a break on ad rates

b.) maybe all of their granola type reporters will drop a few bucks at the Market

c.) it's a good tie-in to "The Saugerties Times Velodrome" under construction on the site of the old Cantine Mill on Partition Street

d.) that stock value is preserved for both companies

16. In order to help promote tourism in "Friendly Saugerties," all residents should:

a.) be able to give convincing, if not quite accurate, directions to "Big Pink"

b.) wear authentic Dutch costumes every other weekend

c.) be able to feign awe and humility when visitors tell you they're from the "Big Apple"

d.) practice turning that frown upside-down

17. Tractor trailers should be allowed to drive through the village as much as they please because:

a.) the noise keeps the cop on the corner of Main and Partition streets from dozing off and toppling into traffic

b.) the crushed bluestone curbs at street corners make the sidewalks more handicap-accessible

c.) hey, it's not like anyone has been killed yet. Let's be patient

d.) it's fun to do that hand pump gesture and hear them blow those horns!

18. Satellite images of Saugerties show:

a.) the armies of Mordor moving down from the north like a plague upon the Earth

b.) the exact location of the mosh pit from the Woodstock '94 Music Festival on Winston Farm

c.) the new high school track is a perfect circle

d.) someone's thumb over the lens

19. To guard against black bear attacks in the Saugerties area you should:

a.) sleep only in bear-proof Dumpsters

b.) remember to pack a Rottweiler in your knapsack before setting out on a hike

c.) never pet them with anything shorter than a garden rake

d.) wear light colored clothing, tuck your pant legs into your boots and wear long-sleeved shirts. These precautions will also help to protect you from deer ticks

20. The Malden Yacht Club is:

a.) composed mainly of retired Special Operations officers

b.) getting out of rehab in a couple weeks

c.) a bunch of wimps who only go with the tide - they'll be back in about six hours

d.) just now passing Midway Island as this goes to press

Answers: 1.b 2.c 3.c 4.a 5.a 6.d 7.d 8.b 9.a 10.d 11.c 12.a 13.d 14.b 15.b 16.a 17.c 18.b 19.c 20.d

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